Vampire Heart
by qfd
Summary: After Twilight, when Edward runs leaving Bella behind to deal with his absence, where does he go and what does he do to try and stay away from the love of his long life? And what does Bella really do with Jacob?
1. Chapter 1

Hold me  
Like you held on to life  
When all fears came alive and entombed me  
Love me  
Like you love the sun  
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

(lyrics from Vampire Heart by HIM)

Ripping into the carotid vein of a leopard deep in the Amazon forest, I try to shut out the images in the beast's mind as it struggles for life. I'm struggling too. Struggling for sanity. I'd tried again today to summon the courage to let the animal bleed me, to let it rip me to pieces in hopes that those pieces would be fought over, digested and scattered to the winds so that I could die a mortal death and forget.

Forget her.

But even now, as the copper taste of blood fills my mouth, instead of allowing the leopard's thoughts fill my imagination, all I can see is her, all I can taste is her blood, all I can smell is the sweet scent of her skin.

Cursing her pale skin and chestnut hair, I toss the carcass aside, not even waiting to watch the small things of the forest come and claim it. I need more. I need to gorge myself, to fill the void in my long dead heart.

And keep running. Most of all keep running, because every time I stand still, I feel the pull of her innocence, of her accident prone stubborn nature.

Bella….How I wish now that I had never fallen under her spell.

Yes I had envied my 'brothers and sisters' their relationships and yes I had wondered if there would ever be someone for me. That she was human and mortal seems now like revenge for all the mortals whose lives I'd taken. Gods! The pain, the anguish it causes me to know I could so easily be her undoing.

Would that I had not fallen prey like the rest of the boys in Forks to her mystery and her charm, that I had been able to continue laughing at them as they fell over themselves to get to her instead of falling myself. But I could no sooner be immune to her serious nature than I could stop feeding by choice.

If only I could be like others of my kind and take hers to keep her with me always. It could be a simple procedure to change her, or so Carlisle assures me. Simple? For _him_ perhaps. Ever since I drained the poison from her blood put there by a rogue vamp the craving for her has only deepened, entrenching itself in my brain until it is all I can think of.

It's why I had to leave. I couldn't stay. Not with the taste of her on my tongue. Not with her being so human, so…fragile and I will not be the one to change her. I will not take that from her which makes her most precious to me. Even if it destroys me to be apart from her, I'm willing to take that risk, and it just may, if my omniscient sister Alice has anything to do with it.

If only she would not send me images of Bella fleeting enough to bring the taste of her back to my mouth, the scent of her back to the air but no more than that. The snippets she's allowed me to see are maddeningly brief but at least I know she is still my strong Bella, my independent Bella. I would never have risked leaving her if I wasn't sure she would move on and forget me. But I cannot pretend it does not fuel my rage to know she is already going about the work of replacing me.

Digging my fingers into the side of a perfectly innocent tree I uproot it and toss it across a stream in a adolescent attempt to curb my anger. Damn Jacob Black and his insipid pack! If I didn't know that my own family would tear me limb from limb, I would land among them and make short work of each and every one of those…_dogs_. The very thought of him touching her makes my cold skin grow even colder.

And yet…I must let her find her way, even if that means _he_ is the one kissing her impossibly soft lips. At least with him she is safe or…as safe as can be amongst Canids. Had I not thought so I would never have left her in the care of their Alpha.

Of course I did not just turn and run and leave my beloved klutzy Bella alone in the dark forests surrounding Forks. Despite how certain I am that she must hate me now, I would never just leave her alone and unprotected. I wanted to watch over her. I wanted to stay near her and I would have had Sam not seen me off.

His words still ring in my ears. '_Haven't you done enough_?' I had, enough to destroy her life, mine and the lives of all of those around us. It was that knowledge that made me run then, run and kept running and still it doesn't seem far enough. I can still feel her, like the other leg of a compass, like part of me is still holding on and no matter how far I go she's right there, so near I can reach out and feel the soft warmth of her skin beneath my fingertips. All I have to do is close my eyes and the intoxicating aroma that is Bella fills my head and then I'm not running, I'm turning back, heading for home.

Home. Esme has always said that home is where your heart is. For the last eighty years I'd thought that was with her and Carlisle. Now when I think of home, I think of that wisp of a girl in her tatty sweats and as long as I'm thinking that, I have to turn and keep running in the other direction. It is just too selfish to want Bella to be my home. It was never a real possibility. I'd known it from the very first moment her scent had assaulted my senses.

And yet I still have never wished that I'd given in to my first impulse. I am still and always will be grateful I did not drain her blood that very first day, crushed her windpipe in my jaws and watched the light flicker out in her eyes. I'd give anything, _anything_ not to hurt Bella Swan.

So I run deeper and deeper into the forest.

I don't want to see another face, human or vampire. I don't want to hear another voice. I don't want to feel the touch of another being. I want nothing but claws digging into my cold white flesh and pain; sweet pain to chase away the deep agonizing ache of leaving Bella behind.

Still, no matter how far I run, how many trees I climb, rivers I ford, she will not let me go. I can hear her voice in my head, taunting me, telling me over and over that she is not afraid.

I should have made her afraid. I should have shown her my true face. For her I should have broken our family code and taken the lives of those men who hunted her. I should have made her watch me tear them limb from limb, drank from them until my golden eyes that she says she loves turned dark red, ripped into their throats and had them scream and beg for mercy that I would not give them.

Maybe then we could have both avoided this pain. If only I'd listened to Rosalie. She had tried to reason with me. Cold and calculating Rosalie, the perfect predator like a Venus fly trap, all rosy and beautiful until…snap, the teeth close down and it's over. If I had only listened to her, I would have stayed away or at least kept my distance.

But Esme and Alice, both softer, more…human, where the ones I listened to instead. When Alice told me that Bella and I would be one and that it was meant to be, I let those words break down my barriers. Then Esme told me that you don't always get to choose whom your heart loves. My cold dead heart that I believed had long ago ceased to beat for the last time began to beat in time with Bella's.

I won't blame them though. I made my choice, gave in to curiosity and yes desire. I had never truly felt that particular malady. Before Carlisle had brought me over, my only true yearning had been to carry a gun, join the ranks of those boys going to the front; for valor, for honor. I had only thought of the adventure of it. I was a boy still, what did I know of life?

Yes, I had flirted as young men do. I had noticed coy looks and the shapely turn of an ankle or two but I had not begun to understand women and if Bella Swan is anything to go by, I've learned nothing in my eighty odd years of immortality. If only she had been older, if Esme and Carlisle hadn't felt the need to keep sending us to high school, over and over again as part of our cover I would never have had her sit next to me in Biology.

But then, I'm a boy never grown old. Carlisle has made certain to keep us, my chosen siblings and I, all that way. For what is a vampire? Unbelievable strength and the absolute belief that nothing can kill us; is that not the definition of a teenager? I may have lived all these years, but I have not yet grown old. What choice have I had? Always in the company of youth, always feigning the immaturity of those around me, how could any of us have grown old? Of all my siblings I am the only one who chafes against the restraints placed on me, who pines for another sort of life, but even as the eldest of us all, I do not have the resolve to stand beside Carlisle and work with the maimed and dying. I don't have the control. Bella is proof enough of that.

Still, with all my eighty some years, there are still so many things in this world that I still know nothing of. I went from my mother's care to Carlisle's and neither wanted me to live in the darkness. Perhaps because like my sister Rosalie, were I to, I would gladly drown in tears.

What a pair we are.

Bella is an old soul. Her childlike mother Renee in all her scatter brained glory has made certain of that. Bella knows too much and guesses at more than anyone her age should. That's just one more reason I can't take her humanity away. She's already lost enough from her life and everything else she must be forced to take part in. She's too serious, too somber and far too sad. I will not be the maker of another Rosalie. I could not live with her regret and mine.

So I run and keep running, hoping that with each passing mile the ache will be a little less.

"So this she is a mortal eh? Cousin?"

Tanya's face appearing from the fern infested canopy above me catches me so off guard I trip against a rotten stump and go head over heels into a swamp, teeming with unfriendly gators and nasty poisoned frogs, all of whom turn from my cold dead flesh with contempt.

"How…why?" is all I can ask as I watch her somersault from the tree branch she is hanging upside down from, her honey coloured hair floating around her head made unruly by the humidity. It's interesting to note that the weather can have that sort of effect on the undead. I've never noticed it on Rosalie or Esme before. Alice hardly counts. She wears so much gel in her hair she singularly makes a solid investment in the beauty industry.

"I felt like some company," she muses, standing above me on the bank and turning her nose up at the stench of the fetid water around me. "When Alice told me you were…taking a little trip, I thought I'd join you. I've never been to Brazil. I have to say, I prefer a cool breeze now and again."

I don't ask her for help out of the water and she offers me none, but as I brush the mire from what remains of my clothes, I realize that I've gone somewhat native at some point, my pants having torn off at the knees and I don't remember when but my shirt has gone altogether and I now stand caked in blood and dirt and who knows what while Tanya looks…well like she could be modeling safari gear for a catalogue.

"You didn't answer my question Edward dear. Not that Alice wasn't a fount of information," she continues, leaning in to sniff at me and then turning up her nose, "but really…a mortal?" I know the question that she is really asking is the same one she asked me over and over again in a hundred different ways. It was the same question and for the same reason that Rosalie disliked Bella immediately.

"She's pretty. No…beautiful," I insist.

"Mmmm well, I hope she is for your sake cousin. Otherwise saving yourself for a hundred years for a pet…." I growl at the term. That is also one of the reasons I have never chosen to stay long with our northern 'cousins'. They tell their secrets to pets that they keep for a time, to play with, for amusement.

"You wouldn't understand," I reply through gritted teeth, turning and walking away, though my strides are so long that Tanya has to jog to keep up with me.

"I know that it's not allowed, that is…unless you're planning on bringing her over?" she challenges me while making it sound like she hasn't already heard my argument from Alice or Carlisle or both.

"I won't," I snarl, picking up the pace, hoping I can leave her behind. I've always been faster than my siblings, I'm used to being able to outpace them but Tanya keeps up, the wind we create blowing her hair back from her porcelain doll like features.

"Oh my dear cuz, I think it's _you_ who doesn't understand. My poor sweet Edward. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch someone you love wither and die before you? That is the ones who will stay and still love you even as they grow old and you stay young and beautiful. Of course they are more likely to turn on you, to resent you for staying young while they lose their beauty. Do you know what it's like to love someone who hates you Edward?" she asks, the challenge more clear in her voice this time. I look sideways at her, feeling the fury shining in my eyes.

"Yesss," I hiss, certain Bella hates me already, will always hate me, even if only in the back of her mind. But I will always love her, this I had long ago admitted to myself.

"How can you be with a mortal Edward when you could be with one of us?" she whispers, her cold hands on my shoulders as she latches on to me like a parasite. A shiver runs down my back as her lips taste my flesh. It has always been thus with Tanya.

"Because she is not so fickle!" I howl, ripping her from my back, even as she digs her fingers into my flesh like claws. I send her sailing through the air. I have a moment of guilt thinking she will crash against the gigantic trunk of some ancient tree, but she only grabs a passing branch and stays swinging there, laughing at me.

"Incubus," she grins, dropping lightly to the ground and immediately going about the work of brushing herself off.

"Succubus," I counter, growling at her still.

"At least I can be with my pets without breaking them," she muses, brushing off her chalk white legs before turning her golden eyes up at me, shining with amusement, "can you say the same?"


	2. Chapter 2

_I was inspired by One Night in a Tent to go back to this. She's turned me into a team Jacob fan_

Chapter 2

"I really don't think bikes are a good idea for you," Jacob says without looking up from the wrecks that I bought, the ones we've brought to his garage.

"Why not?" I ask, kicking at an empty pop can, watching it skate across the concrete and mud of the floor, disappearing under some pile of rusted car parts.

"Because you can barely walk and talk at the same time," Jacob teases, looking up at me with his impossibly dark eyes, his rose bud lips turning up at the corners as he stops short of actually laughing at me. "You do know that both hands and both your feet have to do different things when you're riding a bike, right? Do you think you can do that without killing yourself?"

'No', I think. But then that's the point isn't it? If I can't actually work up the courage to take my own life with my own two hands, then I'll leave it up to Mother Nature, or at the very least, some hunk of bolts and levers and my own klutzy nature.

"Sure, I think I can just about manage, if you help," I add smiling back at him, feeling some warmth from his smile as he rubs his hands along his long thighs, leaving dark streaks of oil and grime. Edward would never get dirty that way.

As soon as I think it, I wish the thought of my impossibly pale, impeccably dressed ex boyfriend out of my thoughts, at least for now. I've promised Jake I'll try not to think about Edward too much anymore. That's part of our deal, part of why I'm spending all this time on the Rez, at La Push. I'm supposed to be moving on.

I'm supposed to be dating Jacob, or at least that's what Charlie and Billy want and I'm fairly certain it's what Jacob wants too. It's just sort of hard to get my head around the idea of thinking of Jacob as anything but a messy little kid that likes to make mud pies.

Even if he's growing like a weed at the moment and has suddenly shot past me in height. Now when he stands near me I think 'he's as tall as Edward'. It's just not a fair comparison. How can I compare an eighty year old nearly perfect vampire, a gentleman who knows about the world and is poised and well spoken and dances like a dream and…and Jake who's standing in front of me covered in motor oil, rust and mud? It's just not a contest.

Besides, I'm pretty sure it will take about a hundred years for me to get over Edward and I'm sure it's going to take more than hanging out in a drafty garage on the Rez, no matter how cute Jake's dimples might be.

"So, do you think you can get them running?" I ask, looking around for a clean spot to sit on, which seems like a pretty impossible task.

"I think _we_ can, yeah," he grins, that big easy boyish grin of his as he hands me a rag and a wrench. I look down at the tool and then back up at him, confused.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I ask, turning it over and then looking back up at him. Jake shakes his head at me and then laughs.

"C'mon Bells, you know how to use a tool don't you? I mean, you've been dating one long enough." As soon as he says it I can see on his face that he wishes he could take it back. We have an agreement, Jake and I. He's not supposed to be mean about Edward. He's not supposed to use any of those terms that he and his friends like to use about the Cullens. He's not supposed to call them leaches or blood suckers and he's definitely not supposed to say something like this. "I'm sorry Bella, it' just kind of…slipped out."

"That's okay," I mumble, turning away from him to hide the pain in my eyes from him. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine. Whatever, just…show me how to use this thing, okay?" I turn back to him, sure that I have my expression under control but Jake's still watching me with that wary look on his face, like he's waiting for me to explode. I try to smile but I know it just comes out looking like I'm twitchy, like I don't really have control over my facial expressions. I know because I've sat in front of the mirror practicing smiling. It seems to make people think I'm better and less like I need to be committed. Especially Charlie and the last thing I need right now is for Charlie to worry about me.

"Uhhh, why don't we play it safe and you do something like get us some sodas and sandwiches?" Jake suggests, getting a scowl in return.

"What? You want me to be a good little girl and make food? You've been on the Rez too long Jake. The rest of the world has moved on, girls do a little more than fetch and carry for their men Jake," I point out which earns me a wide, dimple deepening boyish grin.

"_Their_ men? Bells, what are you trying to say?"

"You can wipe that grin off your face Jake. It's just a figure of speech," I mumble, turning towards the house.

"But you're still doing it, right?" he calls after me, and I can still hear that boyish grin in his voice.

"Only because I'm hungry," I call back over my shoulder, trying to ignore the sound of his laughter as it follows me to the house.

I'm still shaking my head as I walk into the house, only to find Billy sitting by the window, twitching the curtains like an old busy body.

"I'm just making some sandwiches Billy. Do you want me to make you one?" I ask, deciding against saying anything about his watching us. I guess I should be used to it by now. I mean, Charlie and Billy have been watching over us since we played together when we were little, but lately, I don't know, it's just like they're waiting for something to happen and I hate for them to be disappointed.

"You'd better make a few," Billy says, wheeling his chair around me and reaching into the fridge to pull out a plate of shaved beef and a block of cheese. "Jacob eats a lot these days." I nod as I pull out a loaf of bread, noticing there are three more just like it in the cupboard. Between Charlie and I we never make it through one before it starts to mold.

"Yeah, I noticed. He's definitely a growing boy," I reply quietly, accepting the jar of mayonnaise Billy hands me and setting it all up on the counter.

"I'm glad you've noticed Bella. Jacob definitely isn't a kid anymore, you know what I mean?" I glance over at the old man and nod, taking note of the raised eyebrow, the thin set of his lips. I get it but I don't want to talk about it. Not to Billy, not to Charlie and least of all to Jacob.

"So was that a yes or a no on the sandwich?" I ask, refusing to rise to the bait and keeping my eyes glued to the pieces of bread in front of me.

"Sure I'll take one," Billy smiles, a hauntingly similar smile to Jacob's but without the charm or the innocence behind it.

"So one for me, one for you and ten for Jake, I think I've got it," I nod, reaching for a knife and reminding myself that Jake is my friend. He's my best friend and I need my friend right now. If I didn't, I wouldn't put up with all this shit from Billy and Charlie.

There is no future for Jake and I. He knows it and I know it. That's good enough for me.


	3. Chapter 3

_Back in the jungle with Edward & Tanya_

"I would never hurt her, _never_," I repeat, closing my eyes against Tanya's laughing eyes. "I saved her. I could have let her die but I saved her." I should have let her die that night. The night James attacked her, attacked us. I should have let his venom bring her over. I wouldn't be in this mess now if I had. It's what she wanted, what she wants. But I won't make her a monster, not like me.

"So you leave her alone, weak and vulnerable. Some protector you are," Tanya muses, skipping around me, amused by my pain.

"She has the wolves. They're protecting her. They won't…they promised nothing would happen to her and…and Alice would know, she's warn me if…if anyone was close enough to hurt her." I explain, unsure if I'm justifying my choice to Tanya or to myself, again. Over and over again.

"And will dear Alice let you know when that little wolf pup takes her to his bed? Hmmm Edward? What about that? Will our dear cousin show you those images Edward?" Growling, I uproot another tree, sending it crashing into the forest before looking for another way of giving outlet to my fury.

"She won't. Not Bella. She would never…no!" I snarl, turning on Tanya, wanting some excuse to fight with her, with someone who can fight back, who I can't hurt just by holding her.

"So you admit you don't like the idea of someone else taking your place? You don't want your sweet little human to move on do you Edward? You just want to punish her like you keep punishing yourself. Dear dark and dreary Edward. You're so foolish. Can't you see? Human memory, it's so short, fleeting. And human women, they're so fickle. She's probably already imagining it you know. What it will be like with him, that wolf pup you've entrusted her life to." She ignores the threatening growl that emanates from deep within me, from the place where I cage my monster, and continues to skip just out of my reach. "You know what happens to those…wolves when the change comes upon them don't you cousin? How they grow so…_big_? So…_strong_?"

She says it like a sigh. Like the idea of it is enjoyable when just thinking about the smell of the wolf pack is enough to make me sick.

"He's just a boy," I snarl, shaking my head to relieve myself of the visions of Jacob and Bella that start to fill my head as Tanya's laugh fills the Amazonian canopy.

"But what a _big_ boy he's growing up to be," Tanya coos, and I find myself looking up to see her perched on a branch far above my head. "They get so tall and so…_muscular_. I mean, if I were just a teenage girl and I looked at sickly, pale…well _you _Edward dearest and then looked at young Mr. Black…. Well, there really wouldn't be much of a comparison dear one. I know it's not your fault you were sickly and dying when Carlisle brought you over but…really Edward. Could you blame Bella? Really?"

Of course I could, or at least the part of me that's selfish enough to still want Bella, the part of me that keeps trying to find some reason, any reason to go back to her. On the other hand, I've told myself that I want her to forget about me, that she needs to move on with her life. So why does it make me so furious to think of that…that _dog_ sniffing around her.

"Of course he could be doing you a massive favor," Tanya continues thoughtfully, blissfully ignoring my distress at the topic. "If he should ravage her, especially in beast form…."

"Enough!" I howl, my voice reverberating through the forest, making the leaves rustle and causing all of the birds in the canopy to take flight. Even the smallest of insects seems to decide now would be the best time to find somewhere else to be. "Why must you torture me? Can't you see what you are doing?"

"I can," she smiles down at me, before lightly dropping to earth beside me and holding her arms out to me as if to comfort a small child. I push her hands away and begin to walk, unable to stand in one place while my cold skin crawls at the thought of that…that boy touching my Bella. "But dear Edward, I'm only telling you these things for your own good. Don't you see, if Bella moves on, you can stop running, stop torturing yourself this way and come home. Come up to Alaska with me. We can make love under the Northern Lights and you won't have to worry about hurting me. I won't break, I promise."

So there it is, again.

I should be flattered. I've told myself that before. And she's perfectly correct of course. To mate with another vampire makes far more sense than it does to avoid the subject with a frail human like Bella. But even as I allow myself to look over her lithe, sleek body and her strawberry gold hair, I can't help but think that some of Bella's fragile nature is the very thing that draws me to her in the first place. My overwhelming desire to protect her, to watch her have what was taken from me when I was made into this…this monster. Those are the things that first made me love my sweet Bella. But that's something Tanya could never understand.

"As flattered as I am, cousin, my answer remains. There will be only one for me. I did not make my choice lightly."

"No, dear Edward, you may not have made your decision lightly but you certainly left without thinking of the disaster waiting to happen that you left behind. Do you really think your precious Bella will wait for you to finish your little temper tantrum? They have such short lives Edward. Time passes so quickly. What will you do when you get back to find that she has a new…mate?" Her voice is like rich, golden honey in my ear and I know that she's doing her utmost to use her glamour on me. Had I been a human, the heady combination of her Waterhouse model beauty and her sultry voice would have turned me into some kind of mindless zombie by now, totally in the grips of spell. But I'm not a weak willed human. I'm a vampire and try as she might, Tanya cannot break the spell I'm already under.

"If it means that I can't hurt her anymore. Well then, I'll be very happy for her." I turn and smile down at Tanya who looks back up at me with her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. I watch her curl her hands into fists as she stares me down and I almost feel like I've won a small victory. Then she shakes that red blonde mane of hers' and sighs heavily, dramatically.

"Oh Edward. I really can't see you volunteering to be godfather to a litter of puppies, can you?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"I hope you like ham and cheese. It was all I could find. I could do some shopping for you later if you want," I call as I round the corner with the plate full of sandwiches and a six pack of pop under the other. I stop dead in my tracks when I push open the door to the garage though. My feet just won't go any further and I can feel my mouth hanging open at what I'm sure would be considered a not very lady-like angle.

Up until that moment, if I'd been asked to describe Jacob, I would have probably said something along the lines of cute or nice, inane non-descript words like that. Well I don't think I'll be able to say anything that lame again. I think from now on the first word that will come to mind will be HAWT.

Sure, what with Jacob growing like a weed lately I've tried not to treat him like a little kid. After all, we're supposed to be friends and he's been really the only friend that was consistent in trying to drag me out of my funk after Edward did his disappearing act. In fact if it hadn't been for the guys from the Rez I might have died from exposure or pneumonia or something while I did my feeling like the world had just ended thing out in the woods. But that's all I've ever thought about Jake. That he's a friend, but right now my mouth has gone bone dry and my body is reacting in ways that I thought only Edward could conjure up.

Seeing Jake standing there using his t-shirt as a rag, leaving his golden skin bare, revealing his round shoulders, bulging biceps, wide back and even wider shoulders that don't look like they belong to a kid but have to belong on some Greek statuary stops me dead. Then he turns around and grins at me but it's not his perfectly white teeth that has me staring, it's his sculpted six pack and that has me thinking things about Jacob that are not exactly…_friendly_ and even though I fight it, my eyes follow that six pack down to the goody trail that I've never seen on him and I'm suddenly wondering what he'd look like without those jeans on.

Shaking my head and shutting my eyes tight I hold the plate out toward him and turn around, using the six pack of Coke under my arm as a perfect excuse to distract myself from the visions of Jake's new body playing in my head.

"These are in pretty bad shape Bells. We're going to need some parts and it would be good to have a manual or something to go by," Jacob is saying but all I can do is nod, keeping my eyes closed, half afraid if I open them that I'll turn into some sex crazed lunatic and jump my best friend. "Bells? You okay? You're kind of…green."

"I'm just…it's girl stuff. You wouldn't understand," I mutter, raising a hand to cover my eyes like I have a sudden headache or something. I have a sudden ache alright. It's just not in my head.

"Do you want me to run you home? I can stop for some parts on the way back," Jake offers, and before I even realize it, I'm nodding enthusiastically. It's a bad idea, and part of me knows it too, but I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to get him in my own house, where I know Charlie won't be back for hours, where Billy can't just wheel his way in any minute.

This is Edward's fault. If he hadn't enforced his strict hands off policy I wouldn't be this worked up. All those night of just 'cuddling' have left me frustrated but I can get over it. I've done it before and I can do it again.

"It's okay. I'll get home by myself Jake," I mutter, turning away and heading towards my beat up old truck. One foot in front of the other, that's all I have to do. A few more feet and I'll be home free. Cold shower, here I come.

"The way you're acting you'd probably end up driving into a ditch." I feel Jake's hand curl around mine, his fingers digging for my keys, trying to pry them out of my hand. "And if I let that happen, Charlie would kick my ass, after he shot me and before he tossed me over the cliff." Glancing at Jake, I'm amazed he can talk like that with that goofy boyish grin of his, but even that's ruined for me now. With the solidity of his body and thickness of his muscles already burned into my imagination, that boyish grin doesn't' seem so boyish and innocent anymore. Now it's more like…pretty wrapping paper on something…naughty.

"I'll be fine Jake. You stay and work on the bikes. I'll come back tomorrow when I'm…_better_." Better or more sane. All I need now is that cold shower and some perspective. If I can just get some air and some space and away from Jake's perfect body I think I'll be fine.

"Bells, I promised Charlie I'd look out for you, so if you end up in a ditch, I'm really not kidding about your dad coming after me with that shotgun he carries around," he says, looking more serious all of a sudden. Serious suits him.

Damn.

"Okay, but then you have to come back here because I promised Billy that the bikes wouldn't interfere with your homework," I insist, playing the 'I'm older and wiser card' which I'd normally avoid with Jake, or at least I've been trying to lately. I know Jessica and Mike and all of them might make a big deal out of him being a couple years younger but normally I wouldn't care. He's Jake, and he's a better friend than they are anyway so I pretty much have ignored the age difference. But, now, if it's the only thing that will keep my head on straight, well then I'll keep using the card.

"Okay teach," he grins, saluting me but giving me that 'you're kidding, right?' look. I've hurt his feelings. Perfect. The last thing I need to do is alienate my best friend, probably my only friend. Great.

"I'm sorry it's just…headaches and…girl stuff, makes me bitchy," I explain, giving him a half smile which causes him to give me a half wattage Jacob smile in return, which is better than that hurt puppy dog look he was giving me a minute ago.

"Are you sure you won't let me run you home? I mean, if your headache is that bad and…," he reaches up to touch my forehead, like maybe he'll feel how bad it hurts, or maybe to rub it away, but all it does is bring him and his new, very grown up male body into closer proximity and then I can smell the musky, grease laden boy smell of his skin and that doesn't do anything towards making me want to leave. In fact it makes me think about marching him into that garage, closing the doors and finding some bench push him down on and have my wicked way with him.

Which I can't do, because he's my friend and he's younger than me and I have to be the responsible one here. Besides, I tell myself, shutting my eyes and refusing to breathe, this isn't about Jacob, no matter how 'firefighter calendar' his new bod is. This is about me missing Edward. This is about the crazy, hands off, no carnal relations relationship we were trying to have. I can get over this. I just need some air and space.

"I'll be fine," I promise, doing my best to look Jake in his big, brown, Labrador puppy eyes and lie to him. I don't know if I'll ever be fine, but I will be better, I promise myself as I turn and head towards my beat up old truck, thinking about rolling the windows down and letting the cool, mist laden air of Forks take care of my out of control teenage libido. "I'll see you tomorrow Jake," I promise as I put the keys in the lock and climb inside, turning to find him right behind me, like a loyal companion, one that wants to follow at your heels and protect you at all costs.

"Take care of yourself Bella. Don't try to do too much," he says quietly, reaching out to lay his big hand over mine. I look into those sweet eyes of his, full of concern for me and think, how can I possibly be mean to him?

And then I think of the way Edward looked at me the last time I saw him. When he wanted me to promise not to do anything…careless, and then I think…would kissing Jake be considered careless? And then, before I even have time to answer that question for myself, I'm leaning out the window with Jacob's face in my hands, and I'm kissing him.


	5. Chapter 5

C5

Puppies. Of course they don't have puppies. They mate with humans and have normal children, which is what I've told myself I want for Bella, a normal life, with weddings and children and learning and growing and living.

So if that's truly my wish for Bella, why does the thought of her, great with child, glowing and healthy, make me want to scream and rip apart the closest living thing to me? Or at least the closest facsimile, which, in this case is Tanya, who, having recognized the immediate threat quickly races out of my reach.

And so the chase is on and I admit, it feels good to be chasing something I can hurt. Maybe I won't kill her, won't actually pull her heart from her chest and burn it or pull off her head and bury it separately from her body, but I might damage her enough to actually feel like I've accomplished something.

Because just running, just trying to escape the images of Bella that Tanya has so unkindly implanted in my mind, well, it isn't enough. I can still see her, feel her, and the pull is exceedingly strong. It's always been strong. From the very first moment, there has never been enough Bella for me.

"Why don't you just bring her over if you can't have enough of her?" Tanya calls, scrambling up the trunk of a tall tree, like some kind of gibbon, racing for the highest branches, with me close on her heels.

"Have you ever done it? Brought someone over? Have you watched them die? Could you do that to someone you love?" I ask her, visions of Bella with the spark of life ebbing from her dark eyes filling my head and I have to stop, screwing my eyes tight and screaming at myself for allowing such dark thoughts to cloud my brain again.

Because it isn't the first time I've imagined holding her in my arms while her blood drains from her body into mine. Of course I've thought of it. She's begged for me to change her. She's even turned almost my entire family against me over it.

All except Rosalie who understands that this…life, if you can call a millennium of torment a life, is not all about increased senses and running with the wind. That's all my Bella sees. The ability to run faster than the eye can see, the strength to stop a speeding car with one outstretched hand and the beauty of us all. Yes, she thinks us all beautiful, even after Jasper tried to attack her, despite it even.

"She only wants to be with you Edward. Beautiful, sparkly Edward," Tanya calls from her perch high in the tree above me where she is swinging effortlessly by one hand. "A woman in love can hardly be asked to see her handsome Prince as a carnivorous, blood sucking demon. Even if you do."

"It's what we are," I remind her, backing against the main trunk of the tree, where it's more solid and sliding down, sit with my back against it, looking out over the sun kissed canopy that lies around us, like a blanket of green. "We're killers, predators. She…she isn't …I won't let her be like that."

"And must she? Is sweet Alice? If I hadn't seen her for my own eyes I could hardly think of Alice as one of us. She is simply to sugary, saccharine sweet to be a vampire and yet she is one. Why must your Bella be any different than Alice?"

I can only grunt in reply. It's an argument that both Alice and Esme have forwarded and thus far I cannot say that they are wrong, only that I know that even though I love both of them and would defend them with my life, I still think of them as damned just like the rest of us though they do not. Neither does Bella. She swears she thinks nothing for her soul but…but I must.

"I've sworn to protect her. How can I protect her and damn her?" I ask, more of myself than to Tanya, but it is her that I hear rustling through the canopy until she joins me at my perch. I feel her cool hand touch my face and look up into her ruby red eyes.

"Then do not, my fretful dark Prince. Do not. Forget Bella. I am here and if damned we are, and my soul already lost, then kiss me dear cousin and let me soothe your troubled brow."

* * *

"I'm sorry." I should never have kissed him. I know it the moment my lips press against his and yet it doesn't stop me from tasting him thoroughly, of twining my tongue with his and fisting my hand in his hair to pull him closer. I'm ruining everything. I'll never be able to be just friends with Jake if I keep kissing him. Edward will never forgive me. And yet…and yet his lips are warm and yielding, not cold. His skin almost burns under my hands and I can feel his heart beat against the pulse beating rapidly against my hand as it slides down to curl around his neck.

"Sorry for what Bells?" he asks, breathless as he tips his head to kiss me again, pressing his soft lips over mine, his tongue curling expertly, eagerly around mine.

"We can't…do this," I mutter, pulling back and shutting my eyes against what I know will be that hurt puppy dog look in his eyes. "You're my friend Jake. Friends don't…do this."

"Or you mean you don't do this with anyone other than that blood sucker?" Jake snarls and I open my eyes to see hurt, yes, but anger too in his dark eyes. "He's not here and he's not coming back Bella, or hadn't you noticed?" he asks, or rather growls, making a sound deep in his throat that makes the small hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"That…that's not what I meant Jake," I sputter, trying to force the thought of Edward's disapproving face out of my mind. What would he think I wonder as I sit there staring down at my hands that are now in my lap, as if that' the only place I trust them to be. "We're friends...I'm older than you…it just wouldn't work."

"Yeah…whatever Bella. You keep telling yourself that," Jake sighs, and my old truck groans as he puts his hands on the door and leans against the truck and I swear I feel the truck lean away from him except that can't be. I mean, obviously Jake is strong but….

"Can we just forget this?" I suggest hopefully, turning to look at Jacob whose head is hanging between his powerful, round shoulders. "Please Jake? It was a huge mistake. I promise I'll never do anything like that again."

When Jacob's eyes meet mine that kicked puppy dog look is back and I know that this time I've really wounded his pride. Jacob might be younger than me but the look in his eyes tells me that this thing…this crush he has on me has gone way beyond the whole puppy love thing and now, just when he's thinking he's making progress, I've snatched it right out of his grasp.

God I'm a complete and fucking utter bitch.

"I won't," he says simply and with one more look at me, turns and heads back towards the garage. I watch him walk away, and my chest hurts. Part of me wants to call him back, wants to run my hands over the width of his shoulders the smooth dark skin of his back to the narrow waist that disappears into the waist of his jeans. Part of me wants to feel the heat of his skin under my hands as he pulls me close and wraps me in arms that feel...well just about as strong as those other arms that used to hold me.

But that's the other part of me and that's the part of me that starts the truck and backs it out of the Black's drive way and burns rubber as the tires spin on the gravel shoulder. That's the part of me that still wants Edward to come back. That would still forgive Edward for leaving. That still aches to feel that pale, cold unyielding body pressed against mine.

Oh Edward, what have I done?


	6. Chapter 6

C6

A moment of weakness, fueled by sheer emotional distress and feelings I can't quite put my finger on, I find myself rolling around on the jungle floor amidst the stinging red ants and dangerously close to the riverbed where crocs sleep in the heat of the noon day sun. My hands tear at Tanya's cotton shirt as if it were no more than tissue paper, as if I'm some kind of hormonally charged teenager. Which I suppose, in a way I am except that it's not hormones that has my brain crazed and my body urgently trying to join with hers'. It's only that, without Bella here, with visions of her filling my head, I will use the closest duplicate and I will use her like I could never use Bella for fear of being the cause of her death, and I will pray that it helps to abate the insane lust that has been driving me so far from home.

"Slow down, there's no need to rush," Tanya chides me, her voice a warning bell in my ear. I should head her words, slow down and think, but I can't or won't. If I don't slake my thirst, if I don't take the edge of my need, I may never be able to return home.

It's not just my need that I'm feeling though. The blood coursing through Tanya's veins, not her own of course, warms as our bodies tangle and her new warmth calls to me as if it has a voice, as if it has a magnetic pull and I am nothing more than mindless shards of iron dragged toward it. I taste her cool skin, running my tongue over the pulse that now beats in her carotid and my canines elongate as I lose control over inner demon.

"Drink Edward," she urges, tilting her head, elongating her neck, stretching the skin thin over the pulse so I am forced to watch the blood beating in the artery, calling to me. "Drink from me as you cannot do from your silly human. Be a vampire Edward. Make love as a vampire should."

I know something about it, of course. Rosalie and Emmet were not exactly discreet in their 'discovery' of one another at first. No matter how expensive the headphones, no matter how soundproof they were meant to be and no matter how loud I played Mozart's genius symphonies, I could not drown out the sounds of their energetic lovemaking. It's only that my own experience lies between the thighs of whores whose lives I took while I was still young and while I was still living in the dark not ready to abide by Carlisle's ways.

It is why I've feared to do more than hold Bella. I fear the violence that fills my brain when I feel her body pressed to mine. I fear my own strength and I fear even more that I will not be able to control it and the result will force me to change her, or worse, that there might not be enough left of her to save.

And then there is my own conscience that tells me that this is no way to treat a woman. That voice in my head, perhaps my own mother's, that says that a woman is to be treated with all kindness, respect, courtesy and gentleness. Apparently the voice makes an exception for whores, but even now, as my hand fumbles awkwardly beneath the waistband of Tanya's cargo pants, I can hear it tell me that this is not the action of a gentleman, to stop, to apologize.

Yet that is clearly the last thing that Tanya, herself, wishes as she writhes and moans beneath me more like the back street whores between whose thighs I have spilled my seed before. And just like those whores, I don't believe any of the sounds she utters to be genuine. I may flatter myself that Tanya has always found me handsome, but want me for myself? I think she does not. To say she has had me is more likely to be her motive but even knowing this I cannot seem to stop myself from trying to force my way inside of her.

But even with all of this, I am thinking of my Bella. I am thinking of her warm body, her lithe, lean body and her tatty t-shirts and horribly ill fitting exercise pants. I am thinking of her small bed in her father's house and the freckles across her nose and dark hair….

"No!" I growl, forcing myself up and away from Tanya with such force that I fly up and backwards, crashing into the trunk of a giant sequoia. "No. I…will…_not_."

"Oh Edward. You are _such_ a bore," Tanya sighs from her position on the ground where she lays looking up at me half undressed, her top torn, her pants undone but looking, for all the world, as if she's merely sun tanning on a beach in the south of France. I've done that…or I've nearly done that.

"Get up," I command her, only to have her laugh, that ringing sound filling the silence left behind by our frightening every living creature within miles enough to send them running to whatever hiding place they call home.

"Don't order me around Edward," she sighs, sweeping her hair from her face and then sitting up as if one of her breasts isn't hanging out, before proceeding to strip away her shirt, ripping it along its seams until she's made a sort of bandana that she wraps around herself, thankfully hiding her nudity from my greedy eyes. "Unless," she adds, raising her eyebrow and giving me what I suppose is her come hither look, "you plan on coming back down here and finishing what you've started."

"Never," I mumble, turning my back on her.

"Never say never Edward," she whispers into my ear, her body suddenly pressed against my back.

"Never," I repeat firmly. "Never…_ever_."

* * *

"No Bella," Jacob growls firmly, steering me back towards the truck. "You're not cliff diving."

"I thought you wanted me to get out of my shell," I explain, clenching my fists in my jacket pockets and digging my heels in. "Adrenalin is supposed to do wonders for your serotonin levels I understand and serotonin…."

"Yeah, well I don't care about your big words and your mumbo jumbo Bells, you're not jumping off a cliff. You're not…well you're just not," Jake insists, picking me up off of my feet and practically putting me in the passenger seat of my own truck.

"You mean I'm not like you and Sam and your little bunch of boyfriends?" I ask, grinning back at him when he pulls a face.

"You don't understand," Jacob snaps but won't meet my eyes when he says it. He's hiding something. He has been every since…well almost ever since we kissed. He says he's forgiven me but….

"Well maybe if you let me jump…," I suggest, trying to meet his gaze but he only rolls the big, dark puppy dog eyes of his and tries not to smile.

"You're way too accident prone Bells, if something happened to you…."

"Then you'd be rid of me and you'd be so much better off. C'mon Jake, puhleeze?" I beg, reaching for his hand, which feels warm and inviting wrapped around mine and then it's there again, that big, pink elephant in the room making everything awkward and strange, ending up with my withdrawing my hand and hiding it in my pocket again. If I don't touch then I won't feel anything. That's my new rule and now we've broken it.

"I can't hold your hand?" he asks quietly but there's no hiding the bitter edge to his voice and now both of us are just staring at the space where our hands had just been.

"Jake…it's just not a good idea," I mumble, hating to hurt him but doing it anyway. I've been doing that a lot lately. Maybe it's because I can't hurt Edward, because I'm hurting…I don't know.

"I don't get it. I'm okay to spend all this time with but I'm not good enough to even…," he looks up at me with those impossibly dark eyes and I feel my chest start to hurt, "not even good enough to hold your hand?"

"Jake…don't ruin everything," I plead quietly but he just shakes his head and turns to head out to the cliff where the rest of his Rez friends are goofing round. I watch him go and I want to follow but I know he'd rather I stayed here, where he thinks I'm safe, out of the way.

Well, we'll see about that.

* * *

"So if you love your little human so much, why don't you just go home to her?" Tanya asks, walking along beside me, companionably, as if I want her there. I guess '_go away'_ wasn't a big enough clue.

"I've told you," I snarl, "it's not safe for her to have me around."

"But you don't want that dog keeping her warm either," she points out, sounding like she's adding something to a shopping list, her voice taking on a musical lilt that tells me she's enjoying picking at my wound. If this keeps up, I'll bleed out before sundown.

"I don't like it, but at least…at least he'll keep her safe," I sigh, running my hand through my hair and wondering if I'll ever be able to think about Bella again without that…_runt of the litter_ entering into the picture.

"Well if you aren't going back, Edward dear, are you just going to keep running around the Amazon like a wild animal? Or can we go somewhere civilized? When I thought of a vacation I thought of somewhere warm, certainly but I was thinking more along the lines of a five star hotel with room service," she coos, wrapping her arm around mine and leaning into me, as if we're just out on a friendly afternoon stroll.

"You can go where you like. I just need…," I pause and realize I don't know what I need. It seems as if there is nothing to slake my thirst, nothing to distract me from thoughts of Bella and Tanya's right about one thing. Acting like a wild animal isn't getting me anywhere. "On second thought…maybe getting out of this hemisphere isn't out of the question." I am rewarded with a sparkling grin and the sound of bells fills the air as Tanya squeezes my arm.

" That's the spirit. We'll get you into some new clothes, go to Europe, visit the vineyards, taste a few tourists…."

"Tanya," I warn, stopping in my tracks, only to have her laugh again.

"I'm just teasing cousin. We'll do some sightseeing. It will take your mind off things, I promise. You just leave it with me."

* * *

Standing alone on the top of the cliff, I can smell the woods behind me mixed with the brine of the water below on the breeze that lifts my hair and wraps it like a live thing around my face and neck. Closing my eyes I think of how Edward would hate this until I can almost hear him behind me, his voice carrying light on the wind, caressing my cheek as he whispers his warning in my ear.

"_Don't do this Bella. You promised_."

But I didn't promise, I smile at his memory. You asked me to but I didn't. I promised you nothing, except that I would love you forever. And I do. I love you, even if you don't love me.

Slipping out of my jacket and dropping it behind me, I walk to the edge and look down.

It's a long, _long_ way down.

"_Don't do this Bella. Step back from the edge_."

The edge. The double entendre makes me smile. Yes, I'm on the edge; the edge of sanity, the edge of love, the edge of loss, the edge of lust. I'm living on the very precipice. Dancing along the edge and all it takes is one…little…wobble….

"_Bella, it's not safe_."

No Edward. It's not safe. I could crack my head open on those rocks below. I could get sucked under and carried away by the current. I could end up washed up on a beach in Japan. No, it's not safe. It's scary as hell.

Closing my eyes, I drag in a deep breath and let myself fall. I can almost feel his arms reach out to try and hold me back but I fall right through that apparition and all I can hear is the wind whistling by my ears.

I could die.

It's the last thing I think before I hit the water and then all I can think is I have to breathe as I struggle towards the surface, toward the light, towards air.

I could easily stop struggling for the surface and let myself drown. I could stop trying to breathe and let the water rush into my lungs. Then all this pain, all this grief could be over. The thought didn't frighten me either, I realized as I hung there in the dark water, staring up at the pinpoint of light above me. I could die and it would all be over and….And Jake would be furious at me, I realized, wondering what he would think when he went to back to the truck for me and didn't find me there. He'd be worried. He'd blame himself.

I couldn't do that to Jake, I knew, and powered toward the surface with a weak kick that had no affect whatsoever in heading me upwards and I started to panic. Water quickly began to fill my lungs and I cursed Edward for making me want to prove him wrong and Charlie for living in a backassward town full of vampires and myself for being so stupid and…

And a hand grasped mine and I was dragged quickly to the surface where I was dropped, unceremoniously on the gravel filled sand.

"Breathe damn it," the voice cursed as hand pressed against my chest and I had a moment to wonder why that was if I was conscious. But then water spurted from my nose and mouth and I coughed, choking on the salt water and struggling to breathe. "What in the hell were you thinking?" Jacob asked his grasp on my shoulders painful as he shook me.

"You," I replied quietly, looking up into his fathomless dark eyes, high cheekbones and cupid's bow mouth. The anger leaked out of his face, just enough to make the corners of his lips turn up, not enough to make his dimples show but it was an improvement. "I'm competitive you know. I hate when I get left out of stuff," I added with a smile of my own.

"You could have died Bella," he sighed, his dark eyes searching mine, worry clear on his young, handsome face. "That was a really stupid thing to do." I couldn't help but smile as he tried to stay angry with me, even though I could see clearly in his eyes that concern was the stronger emotion of the two.

"This new Jake…the moody, cheesed off one, I kind of like him," I told him, reaching up to stroke his cheek with my fingertips.

"Yeah well…keep doing shit like that and I'll keep being pissed off," he warned me, but the smile was the old Jacob's as he looked down at me, leaning into my hand even as he pretended to be tough. Maybe Jacob was tough with his new pack of friends but he was still Jake, my Jake.

"You talk a lot," I muttered, wrapping my hand around the back of his thick, muscular neck. "Too much sometimes," I added as I pulled myself up and him down as I offered him my lips. He groaned as my lips touched his and I felt him begin to pull away.

"Don't do this Bells," he moaned, his eyes shut tight as if he was closing himself off from me, so that I wouldn't see how much he wanted to kiss me. It was too late of course, I already had.

"Don't do what?" I whispered against his cheek, feeling the heat of his skin warming my water chilled body.

"Don't do something and then take it back again," he whispered, like it hurt him to say it and I could feel his entire body tense, waiting for me to pull away from him. I didn't.

I kissed his cheek, and the corner of his jaw and the shell of his ear. And then I pulled back and let him see that I really had been thinking about him and that I really did want him to kiss me back. His deep, velvet gaze searched mine for one long, endless moment and then he grasped me in his arms and kissed me fiercely. The way a woman wants to be kissed. Like she is necessary, like oxygen, like breathing.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

He was in my shower, in my house. He was naked, in _my _shower, in _my _house.

Well, Charlie's house. Charlie's and _my_ house.

He was still naked though and from my perch on the counter where he'd insisted I stay, wrapped in a towel and Charlie's robe that was, like, ten times too big for me, but warm and that was the point. It was also part of the reason Jake wanted me to stay in the bathroom, where it was warm, where the heat of the shower had filled the room with liquid heat and steam that wrapped around me and warmed my chilled skin.

The other part, of course, was to keep an eye on me, like he thought I was going to run away, disappear. Or maybe he thought I was suddenly going to come to my senses and take back everything that had just passed between us.

As if I could, I thought as I snuck yet another peek towards the shower curtain, through which I could see the silhouette of Jake's muscular body. All the way back to Charlie's he'd held me close, against the warm furnace of his solid body and it was only because I was shivering so much that I didn't make him pull over to the side of the road and do things to me that I'd only, thus far, read about in those romance novels you pick up near the check stand of the grocery store.

Which was all Edward's fault of course.

Until Edward I'd had…feelings for boys I guess, but not like I had for him and definitely not like I was having for Jake. The feelings I had for Edward were all encompassing but generally only romantic in nature. The feelings I was having for Jake right at this moment were purely carnal in nature.

It felt strange to think this way about my best friend, but as I sat there staring at the shower curtain, gnawing on my fingernails, I couldn't seem to stop my brain from going there. And I couldn't help wondering if Jake had been with any of the girls on the Rez, and the more I thought about that, the more I wanted to march over there and pull the shower curtain open and demand to know. Except I didn't. I just told myself not to look and tried to think about something else and that turned out to be just as impossible.

If I could just have one little peek, I thought, it would be harmless, _right_?

I tried to think about how I would feel, if I were the one in the shower. I mean, apart from the whole slasher movie, Psycho images that might go through your brain immediately how bad would it actually be to find a totally hot guy staring at you in the shower?

Okay, now I sound like Jessica lusting over Mike, and that is just pathetic. I refuse to be that kind of girl. I pride myself on having a little more control than that. I mean, I dated probably the hottest guy in Forks for how long and got absolutely no action right?

Fortunately the water finally turns off and Jake is forced to reach out blindly, looking for a towel or the towel, the only one I haven't already used and am currently not holding onto.

Okay, so it's not strictly playing fair but then his going around shirtless all the time lately isn't exactly on the up and up either.

"Are you going to hand me that or are you going to make me come get it from you?" he asks, with a twinkle in his dark eyes that says he will if I ask him to, and it's tempting, _very_ tempting.

"I'm sure Charlie would be thrilled to find you running around naked in his house," I remind him, tossing him the towel and then hiding my eyes, though I sneak a peek through my fingers. Unfortunately he doesn't appear on the other side of the shower curtain until he's decent, if you count being wrapped in a towel decent.

"So…I was thinking in the shower," he begins, tucking the end of the towel in at his waist, to hold it in place. I think about tugging on it and I wonder what he'd do if I did but I don't. I just think about it. "I was thinking…I was wondering…what we're going to do about…that kiss?" he asks, giving me that shy look. That sideways sort of glance where he won't really look at me, not entirely, like dog will when it won't look you right in the face because it's afraid if it does that you might bite.

"Kiss? Oh you mean that kiss where I kissed you?" I tease, reaching forward to cradle his cheek in my hand and pressing my lips gently to his once more. He's warm, steam coming off of his still wet skin. I can taste the clean, warm water on his lips and the musky smell of boy mixed with the clean scent of Charlie's Irish Spring fills my head. "You mean that kiss?" I ask again and he smiles and boldly leans in for another kiss, a longer kiss, a deeper kiss, a kiss that feels like…more except for that sound that I hear that makes me jump back about a foot and let out a squeal like I've been pinched.

"What?" Jake asks, suddenly on high alert, his dark eyes wide, chin up as if he's scenting the air.

"Charlie's home," I hiss, pressing my hands flat against the width of his chest, which reminds me that he's naked from the waist up and I don't even want to think about under the towel. Not now at least. Not with Charlie in the house. "Stay here. Don't even move a muscle!" I warn, pressing my hands against him partly to emphasize what I'm saying and partly because his skin is just so smooth and warm and feels so damn good under my fingertips that it's hard not to want to touch it. "Stay here. I'll be…well I'll be back."

* * *

"Bridal suite please," Tanya trills to the concierge from behind her dark sunglasses, her cherry red lip pursed in a 'you'll do this for me and like it' sort of a smile. Half threat, half promise. I know if he says it's unavailable that she'll tip her glasses down and give him the eyes, glamour him. Tanya almost always gets what she wants.

Almost, but not always.

"You're in luck," the concierge smiles brightly at her as if he's the one receiving the favor, but then I've noticed that mortal men often feel that way when Tanya smiles at them. It's like she's a film star, which is a character she's coveted since the invention of film and back in the earlier part of the century with her pale skin and golden hair, she rivaled any of the early Hollywood beauties, Garbo, Deitrich, Harlow. Now, well now she could be any of those silly little starlets that Hollywood chews up and spits out, and the way this young concierge leans forward as he describes the suite to her tells me he thinks that is exactly who she must be.

And Tanya laps it up like a cat licks cream, tossing her tresses and batting her eyelashes. No one loves Tanya more than Tanya.

"Thank you Duncan," she mews, blowing him a kiss as he hands her the pass cards to the room, making certain his fingertips brush hers'. He'll be telling everyone that there's a mysterious celebrity couple staying in the hotel and Tanya will love all the whispering and sideways glances.

I go to grab our bags, well her bags considering I've only managed to find one suit that suited me, according to Tanya, before we left for the airport. Tanya's already had the concierge make an appointment for a tailor to come to our room and I imagine once she gets connected, she'll be ordering evening gowns delivered to the hotel and this concierge, this Duncan, will only be too happy to run up to our room with them and I'm sure he'll want to stay to have her try them on. No doubt by the end of the week he'll be so under her spell he'll be willingly donating pints of blood.

"Leave those Edward," she orders, slapping my hand away from the bags and then merely walking ahead of me, head high, knowing every pair of eyes are on her as the chiffon scarf she's wearing floats behind her like a pair of fairy wings.

Growling under my breath, I follow because at least she is providing a distraction. I've hardly thought of Bella for hours. But I do now as I Tanya impatiently waits for me in the elevator. Not that we couldn't race up the stairs in half the time it will take this modern convenience to deliver us to our floor but because we are passing for human.

"Do try not to scowl Edward," she sighs dramatically, fanning herself with the wide brimmed sunhat she's been wearing to shade her skin from the Mediterranean sun. "It's so unbecoming."

"Bella would never draw so much attention to herself," I point out, which makes Tanya scowl which almost makes me smile.

"You promised not to bring her up," she snaps, staring at the mirrored surface of the inside of the elevator doors, her bottom lip protruding in a pout that reminds me of the look Bella would give me whenever I would withdraw physically from her when the heat of our passion had built to the point where I would begin to lose control.

"I shall try to do better," I promise, though it's a promise I'm not sure I can keep, which seems to have begun to be a pattern for me.

"Do," she agrees, flouncing into the hallway and heading toward a room I do not plan to spend any time in, if I can help it. Not with all of Europe at my feet to distract me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Tanya! _**No**_!"

I was distracted, momentarily, by a painting in the hallway, a Matisse original. I should have known I couldn't leave her alone for a moment.

"Oh Edward, don't be so provincial," she pouts, running her thumb beneath her bottom lip, lest she miss a single drop, as the limp, lifeless and bloodless body of the bell hop slides from her lap.

"You can't kill here. The Volturi…." I begin, but she only looks up at me with this angelic smile on her face, as if she hasn't just committed a vile sin. Her cheeks are rosy with life. Her eyes like glittering rubies. The sight of her makes my skin crawl.

"One little inconsequential life dear Edward," she tilts her head to one side and bats her eyelashes, as if that will have any effect at all. "They won't care about one little…," she sticks the toe of her shoe in the ribs of the lifeless boy at her feet that was no doubt taken in by her 'charms' such as they are, "peon."

"And if they do?" I rush at her, intending to grab her by the neck and shake some sense into her but I forget, the last blood I had was from an animal and she's just had living, warm, human blood. Our powers are not at all equal now and before I even reach the spot where she was, she's gone.

"They would love to have you as a toy, dear cousin," she muses, sounding so much more like the predator she is than the flirtatious harmless girl she'd like everyone to believe she is. "They're always interested in new and _amusing_ additions to the family."

"Is that why you've brought me here?" I snarl, moving to where she has moved, towards the balcony, where the cool night air lifts her scarf and sends it flying around her throat like a live thing. "Would you see me broken at their feet for _your_ amusement?"

"Don't be tiresome Edward," she pouts, her bottom lip trembling as she looks up at me, now playing the helpless child which only raises my ire to another level as I stand before her, wanting to rip her in two, and feeling so powerless to know that I cannot. She will simply step aside. It's a game we could play all night. "We're here to see the sites, taste the local…," her gaze returns briefly to the limp form on the floor, "cuisine."

"You're sick," I growl, intending to leap over the side of the balcony and disappear into the dark, rat infested alleys and never come back.

"You will get rid of him for me, Edward dear, won't you?" she asks, her hand coming to rest, gently against my arm and when I look down into her face, I see Bella, just briefly, and it ruins my resolve.

"This one," I sigh, shutting my eyes and shaking my head. "But no more Tanya. I won't be a monster, not for you, not for anyone."

"Oh, I don't think that's how this is going to work, Edward, dear one," she muses as the door to the suite opens and a maid with fresh towels enters, and upon seeing her dead co-worker, opens her mouth to scream. Tanya grins fiendishly up at me but all I have time for is a silent curse and a promise to see her dead and not the fight I want to have as I streak across the room, clap my hand over the maid's mouth and do what I must to cover our tracks.

* * *

"Bells, is there someone upstairs?" Charlie asks, and before I get the chance to play the innocent ingénue that I had planned to, he holds up Jake's dirt and sand encrusted sneakers and it makes me wrinkle my nose just to look at them. I can't actually smell them from across the room but I can guess by the way Charlie has that 'just sucked on a lemon' look on his face that it isn't pleasant.

"It's just Jake," I shrug, turning to head into the kitchen, hoping that my being calm about it all will rub off on Charlie. I start to reach for a box of teabags but when Charlie puts Jake's sneakers on the counter, sending sand and who knows what in every direction, I sort of lose my concentration. Damn the boy has big feet.

"Bells...you know I'm not one for rules, but this is still my house and...," Charlie's voice trails away as Jake appears behind me, fully clothes, except for his shoes.

"Hi Sheriff Swan. Bella and I were cliff diving and I wanted to make sure she got home and warm," he says jovially, like it's nothing, and the way my dad's expression goes from grim to happy makes me wonder if Jake's suddenly developed one of those vampire powers with his eyes or something.

"Cliff diving Bells?" Charlie gives me that look, the one that says he's not too sure what to make of me but Jake saves me from that whole 'but dad' thing as he puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I know, I told her she was crazy to do it but you know Bells," Jake says with a grin and I'm glad I've now got my back to Charlie or he'd see the 'I can't believe how full of shit you are' look on my face.

"Oh I do," Charlie sighs, reaching forward to rumple my hair while I'm still staring bullets at Jake who's grinning right back at me, knowing that he's driving me around the bend with his butter wouldn't melt boyish charm. "That's pretty dangerous out there Bells, I know Jake and his friends probably make it look easy but they've grown up there and...."

"And _I _grew up Arizona where the only water I jumped into was a pool. Got it dad. Honest. I think once was enough. Anyway, I think I got what I wanted from it," I add, reaching for Jake's hand and feeling his warm fingers lace with mine for one, brief moment that makes my pulse race. He gives my hand a squeeze and gets this adorably happy look on his face that makes me blush so I have to turn away and let his hand go so that what we've been doing, and _not_ doing, doesn't show all over my face.

So much for having a poker face.

"So what are you two up to today?" Charlie asks, looking from me to Jake before heading to the fridge for a beer. "Have you got those bikes up and running yet?"

"Just about sir," Jake answers, grinning over my head while I roll my eyes. Sir? Now he's calling Charlie sir? Just hearing that makes me think of Edward, and how old fashioned he was about wanting to meet Charlie formally, to be introduced and to shake his hand, man to man and then suddenly I realize that I haven't thought about Edward in hours.

I almost feel guilty, almost, as I listen to Charlie and Jake talk about carburetors and timing belts versus chains and I wonder what Edward's doing now. Alice says he's fine, that he's travelling but...I can't help but wonder, does he think about me?

* * *

As I let the second body sink into the cool, dark depths, I know now that I was right to leave. I might have been able to put this off for a time, this alteration from near human to monster, but it would have happened nonetheless. It seems inevitable now, as I feel the tingling of live blood in my veins once more.

Jasper's right. I could not give this up. Not forever. It's asking too much.

I'd forgotten what it feels like, or rather, I had not forgotten. I'd just chosen only to remember the dark side of how it made me feel and how easy it was to take a life.

It would have been this easy, I think as I watch the corpse sink down and down into the dark depths of the Seine. To kill Bella, to drain her life, it would have been easy and more exhilarating than this.

"Oh poor Edward, are you mourning the stupid humans?" I look up to Tanya standing over me, looking perfectly poised, perfectly coiffed, perfectly made up and not at all like she's just snuffed out a life. Not like I feel I must look, dishevelled, wild and half insane with blood lust. "You're not going to be boring about this are you? I wanted to go to the Louvre."

"No," I grin suddenly, thinking that's a perfectly good idea, the Louvre, in the middle of the night, with no weak and perfumed humans around to tempt my monster. Surround myself with beauty and remember why I must control the beast within. "If it is the Louvre my lady wants it is the Louvre she shall have."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I practically see his hackles raise and being this close to him, curled up next to the space heater that is Jake's body on the couch, I do see the hairs on his arms rise when the doorbell goes. It's an automatic reaction to get up, to go to the door, but Jake's hand on my arm is firm and without having to even try it, I know that if I try and get up now, I won't be able to.

"What is it?" I ask as he raises his head, like he's sampling the air, or listening harder. I try it myself, but I don't hear anything.

"Stay here," he hisses and Charlie gives us both a look as if to say 'will one of you just go get the door'. I watch the almost elegant way that Jake uncurls himself from around me and I can't help but watch him go to the door. I've developed a real taste for Jake Black from behind. "Oh it's you." There's something about his voice that tells me whoever is at the door isn't exactly a friend, but even before I get to my feet, I can tell by the slightly annoyed sound that comes from her throat, that it's Alice.

I practically throw myself into her arms and it's a good thing that Alice has both good hand eye coordination, especially for a girl, and superhuman strength otherwise both of us might have ended up with various broken bones flat on the floor. But she does catch me and her grip on me is tight enough that just for a moment it's hard to breathe.

"What were you trying to do?" she hisses at me, putting me down and dragging me behind her into the kitchen with a slight wave at Charlie as she goes by. Charlie likes Alice or he might have asked how she knew but there's something about Alice that makes him sort of forget he's a dad I think.

"I was cliff diving...recreationally," I tell her, but the look on her face makes it all too clear that she doesn't believe the last part. "It was...fun," I lie, although I can make it not quite a lie as I cast my mind back to the way I came to.

"So you _weren't_ trying to kill yourself?" she snarls at me, just baring her fangs, which isn't something she would normally do. She's usually far too careful to do that.

"No," which isn't a lie and because I know that she can smell out a lie I let her lean in and search my gaze, her amber eyes taking in my pupil dilation, my pulse and my breath rate in a split second.

"I thought...I saw...I didn't see you coming out of the water," she explains, throwing her arms around me again which tells me I'm forgiven and I gratefully relax into her.

"Are you all here?" We slowly unwind from one another to find Jake standing behind us with thunder in his eyes.

"It's just me," Alice says, mostly to me, with an apology in her eyes. Jake makes a sort of huffing nose as he stares at us and finally Alice leans in to give me the briefest of pecks on my cheek. "I'll just go visit with Charlie for a few minutes while you...put the dog out." She wrinkles her lily white, button of a nose at him and skips out of the room and I'm left staring after her wondering why I don't feel suddenly bereft. I should be upset, I think as I listen to my heart still plodding away at normal speed in my chest. I should be in tears knowing that only Alice came, that Edward isn't even upset enough at the news that brought Alice all the way here from...from wherever they've been. But I'm not and as Jake reaches for my hand and his other hand lifts a strand of hair from over my eye and my pulse does begin to speed up, I realize why.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, his lips brushing my brow. "If I'm being too...overprotective, just tell me and I'll go."

"No," I insist, clamping down on his hand with mine. "I think I like it," I add, leaning into him so that he's almost forced to put his other arm around me.

"Bells," he whispers his pet name for me into my hair as I breathe in the musky scent of his warm skin. "You know she can hear everything we say, even here," he warns me and I wonder how he knows so much about the Cullens, but I don't ask.

"I don't care," I whisper back, lifting my lips to his in a way that he can't possibly mistake for any other request. Jake glances over my head towards the living room and then backs me against the sink, where he captures my mouth with his and kisses me, once, twice and then a third time that begins with his running his tongue over my lips until my mouth opens to his and ends with both of us out of breath but grinning.

* * *

I'm staring at the Mona Lisa, a painting much smaller and much less impressive than you would have thought when another, entirely unrelated image appears, unbidden, in my mind; Bella, falling.

My breath, although entirely unnecessary, catches in my throat and I suddenly feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach. I hear myself screaming 'Bella, no!' loud enough that it shakes a Greek sculpture right off of its' plinth, leaving its' marble pieces scattered around me, and even that doesn't do enough to shake the image of her small, lean body slicing through the gray, icy waves off of La Push.

"Edward, really," Tanya appears in front of me, behind the barricade between me and the Mona Lisa, which should have set off some kind of alarm, which has me wondering for a brief moment whether she's done something to the electronics of the museum. I can see her, with her little hands fisted on her hips, staring daggers at me, but I can't get that vision out of my head. Bella, dropping from a cliff... "Edward...if you're trying to convince me that human blood doesn't agree with you, I have to say, I'm not the least amused."

"Bella." It's all I can say. Nothing else will come out of my mouth.

Tanya turns and stares at the small painting and then turns back to me, her ivory brow furrowed.

"Well I certainly hope that your dearest Bella is a little less homely than that one. You cannot convince me that," she says, pointing at the painting, "was any great beauty in her time. I mean, I was there and I can't remember her name ever coming up as some sort of object of desire."

While she continues to scrutinize the famous painting, I turn and begin to stagger towards the way we came in, feeling as if I need fresh air to breathe, though I know that I don't. Still, the need is strong and my mind is too full of fear and self loathing that I can't find it in me to fight the urge.

Once outside, I bend over, gasping for air that my lungs haven't required in over a hundred years, as my hands dig into the rock that makes up the outer walls of the museum. I hear the rock facade breaking beneath my grip and something in my head tells me to lighten up but all I can see is Bella disappearing beneath the waves and the other part of my brain is telling me that there isn't anything anyone can do. There is no one there to save her and if I'd only changed her as she'd asked...

Slamming my hand into the wall, I see and hear the granite crumble around my hand but I also hear the high, bell like sound of Tanya's laughter and find her bent double, laughing at me.

"Oh Edward, darling, you are too amusing," she hiccups and snorts and ends up sitting on the ground, her knees pulled up to her chest, rocking and laughing.

"My pain amuses you?" I snarl back at her and she just nods her head, which sends her hair flying around her, looking silver cobwebs in the dark.

"It does dearest, only because it's only over some weak, human child," she crawls toward me and I know in my mind that what she's doing is supposed to be seductive and enticing but I only want to swat her away like an annoying insect. "Don't go running off Edward, stay, play with _me_." She gives me her best, most innocent smile but I can still smell the human blood in her mouth and it makes me gag.

"I have to go," I growl at her, trying to shake her loose like one of those dogs that humps your leg.

"What did Alice see? Is there any point or is your silly little human...dead?" Tanya tilts her head to one side and it's very apparent that she's doing her best to try to look sympathetic but the light dancing in her eyes gives her glee away.

"I...I don't know," I admit, going over the vision again, and again in my head. All I can see is Bella going down and down into that icy water and I can't imagine how she could survive it. "But I need to go," I tell her. "Or I at least have to call Alice."

"Well then do, if you must," Tanya sighs, dramatically, leaning back on her hands and staring up at me. "But if she is dead Edward, then will you stop being so damned tiresome?"

* * *

"Phone," I mutter against Jake's mouth as his lips move against mine and I can't help but feel what else is moving against mine. I'm actually not a hundred per cent that it is the phone I hear and not just bells going off in my head.

"Let Charlie get it," Jake mumbles, his hands sliding down my rib cage to my hips, and then there's no mistaking just how happy he is to be kissing me as he grinds his barely restrained erection against my stomach.

I mean to say, I think we need to take a break anyway, but what comes out is, "down boy," as I put my hands against the solid wall of his chest and give him a push back so that I can reach for the phone on the kitchen wall. Jake's arm is longer and his reflexes faster and he gets to it first.

"Swan residence," he smiles at me, using his free hand to pull me back against him. His lips go to my neck and I know, with absolute certainty, that in that moment, if Jake wasn't holding onto me, my knees would have buckled and I'd be sitting on the floor. "He's a little...busy right now," Jake adds, raising his eyebrow at me and I grin back at him, shaking my head.

"If it's the station house," I hiss at him but Jake only shakes his head, telling me that it's not.

"Well I'm not sure that it's any of your business but he has a funeral to arrange." Jake looks very serious and it reminds me of the news Charlie had told us earlier and it's like a bucket of cold water has been thrown over the two of us. Jake looks at the phone, his forehead creased and then he hangs it up, shaking his head. "Always getting in the way," he mutters and then turns back to me, putting both arms around me and bringing my body fully in line with his. "Now, where were we?" he grins that toothy boyish grin of his that leaves me weak in the knees but I just shake my head.

"Don't you think that we all ought to be going to the Clearwaters? See if there's anything we can do?" I suggest and Jake rolls his eyes but I can see that he knows it's the right thing to do.

"What did you tell him?"

Alice is, as she often is, just suddenly there and the look on her face is a fierce mixture of anger and betrayal as her gaze first goes to Jake and then to me.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"The truth," Jake replied, as if he is the mind reader and not Edward...oh...Edward.

"That was Edward?" I gasp, pointing to the phone as if it isn't just a device over which one can speak but is also some kind of link to the man I loved. My heart sinks in my chest as I realize what I, if I was in his shoes right now, would be thinking. "Jake how could you?" I'm afraid for what Edward is thinking at this moment, but I find that I'm not really angry at Jacob either. I sort of understand why he did it. It's clear, however, that Alice doesn't.

"He thinks that you're dead Bella," she cries, shaking her head at me like a disappointed mother and then she closes her eyes and presses her fingers to her temple and mutters something beneath her breath.

"Can't you just tell him I'm not?" I cry back at her but she just shakes her head.

"He won't believe me. He's going to go to the Volturi. He's going to ask them to end his life."

* * *

The phone crumbles into dust in my hand and the cry I release shakes and then shatters the glass in the windows around us. She is dead and it's my fault. I should have turned her. I should have been there for her.

"Oh Edward, they do that all the time. Humans die, it's what they do," Tanya sighs as she gets to her feet and dusts herself off, making a face as she does. "Now come, let's go get a real drink. We'll find some streetwalker and we'll drain her together. I know that will make me feel better," she adds with a playful grin as she walks over to me and puts her arms around my middle.

"No," is my only reply. I already know where I want to go. It's my plan B. The plan I formulated when I realized James had bitten her and that, in trying to draw out the poison from her blood, I didn't think I would be able to stop drinking her sweet tasting blood. I knew right then, as her blood coursed through my veins, filling me with its' saccharine, syrupy taste, that if I drained her, if I was the one who took her life, exactly where I would go. "I'm going to the Volturi."

"Oh pffft, Edward don't be so dramatic," Tanya reaches for my face and holds it in her hands. "Over a tiresome human girl? Please." She tries to kiss me then, and I suppose that in her mind, she thinks that will help me forget about Bella but it won't.

"I'm going. I don't expect you to come with me," I mutter, pushing her away from me and now that my own body is full of warm, life giving human blood, hers' sails far across the square and even before she lands, I'm gone.

* * *

"Bella, stay, please."

Charlie is standing on the top step, under the light by the front door but Jacob isn't. He's trying to wrestle the overnight bag that is all that I've taken the time to pack, out of my hand. I know it's not going to be much of a fight, but Alice wrenches it out of his hand and hurls it into the trunk, slamming the trunk down before Jake can reach inside.

"I have to go," I try to explain as Jake sends a furious glare in Alice's direction. I reach for his hand and lift it to my cheek, leaning in to the fullness of it, letting the warmth from his hand seep into my cheek, already cold from the night air.

"You don't have to do anything for him. He left you, remember?" Jake's earnest gaze searches mine and I nod. It's true. I don't need him to tell me. I'm the one that's lived in misery for months.

"I _do_ though. I can't let him die because of me Jacob." I turn to press my lips into his palm and I'm not certain but it sounds like a growl that comes out of his throat as he looks down at me.

"Stay, for Charlie," he tries, but he doesn't even glance back at Charlie and I know that he doesn't care if I stay for Charlie. I know what he's asking for.

"I'll be back Jake, I promise," I whisper, going up on tip toe to press my lips briefly against his.

"You won't," Jacob grumbles as I start to back away from him. He holds my hand fast, unwilling to let go and part of me doesn't want to let go of him either. "If you go to him...I feel like I won't ever see you again."

"You will," I promise, moving to him again, pressing the full line of my body against his, sliding my hands up under his shirt so I can press them flat against his warm, smooth back. "I promise Jake. I'll come back to you." His dark eyes search mine and I can see that he doesn't believe it, but he holds me close anyway, crushing me against his chest. I hear him whisper something into my hair, something in that strange, soft language that they learn on the Rez. I don't ask and he doesn't offer an explanation. He just lifts my chin and his mouth comes crashing down over mine in a long, scorching kiss that I feel, right down to my clit, which begins to throb in anticipation of a moment that will have to wait.

"Come home to me Bells," he whispers against my lips and I promise him that I will, and then I turn to see Alice staring straight ahead, through the windshield as she revs the engine. I turn to wave at Charlie who gives a weak sort of wave and then I run around the other side of the car. "Keep her safe." Jake growls it at Alice as he leans into the car and she just rolls her amber coloured eyes at him and then sends the dark car leaping forward onto the pavement.

When I look back over my shoulder, the strangest thing is, I think I hear a wolf howl


End file.
